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　　标题：12ThingstoRememberWhenYourChildGetsAngry
　　source：ahaparenting
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　　Sendingchildrenawaytogetcontroloftheirangerperpetuatesthefeelingofbadnessinsidethem。。。Chancesaretheywerealreadyfeelingnotverygoodaboutthemselvesbeforetheoutburstandtheisolationjustservestoconfirmintheirownmindsthattheywereright。OttoWeininger，Ph。D。TimeInParenting
　　Whenourkidsgetangry，itpushesbuttonsformostofus。Werenotperfect，butwetrytobelovingparents。Whyisourchildlashingoutlikethis？
　　Manyparentssendanangrychildtoherroomtocalmdown。Afterall，whatelsecanwedo？Wecertainlycantreasonwithherwhenshesfurious。Itsnotimetoteachlessonsoraskforanapology。Sheneedstocalmdown。
　　Ifwesendhimtohisroom，hewillindeedcalmdown，eventually。Hellalsohavegottenaclearmessagethathisangerisunaccep，andthathesonhisownwhenitcomestomanaginghisbigscaryfeelingswedontknowhowtohelphim。Hewonthaveworkedthroughwhateverledtohisanger。Instead，hellhavestuffedtheanger，soitsnolongerunderconsciouscontrol，andwillburstoutagainsoon。Nowondersomanyofusdevelopangermanagementissues，whetherthatmeansweyellatourkids，throwtantrumswithourpartner，orovereattoavoidacknowledgingangryfeelings。
　　Whatcanwedoinstead？Wecanhelpourkidslearntomanagetheirangerresponsibly。Thatbeginswithacceptingangerwithoutactingonit。
　　Thisisoneofthemostcriticaltasksofchildhoodlearningtotoleratethewoundsofeverydaylifewithoutmovingintoreactiveanger。Peoplewhocandothisareabletoresolvechallengesmoreconstructively。Wecallthememotionallyintelligent。
　　Kidslearnemotionalintelligencewhenweteachthemthatalltheirfeelingsareokay，buttheyalwayshaveachoiceabouthowtheyact。How？
　　Whenyourchildgetsangry：
　　1。Takeadeepbreath。Remindyourselfthatthereisnoemergency。Keepyourselffrommovingintofightorflight。Thiswillhelpcalmyourchild，andmodelemotionalregulation。
　　2。Remindyourselfthattantrumsarenatureswayofhelpingsmallpeopleletoffsteam。Theirbrainsarestilldevelopingandtheydontyethavetheneuralpathwaystocontrolthemselvesaswedo。（Andpleasenotethatwedontalwaysregulateourangerverywell，evenasadults！）
　　Thebestwaytohelpchildrendevelopthoseneuralpathwaysistoofferempathy，whiletheyreangryandatothertimes。Itsokgood，actuallyforyourchildtoexpressthosetangled，angry，hurtfeelings。Afterwesupportkidsthroughatantrum，theyfeelclosertousandmoretrusting。Theyfeellesswoundupinside，sotheycanbemoreemotionallygenerous。Theyarentasrigidanddemanding。
　　3。Rememberthatangercomesfromourfight，flightorfreezeresponse。Thatmeansitsadefenseagainstthreat。Occasionallythatthreatisoutsideus，forinstance，whenabigbrotherknocksdownablocktower。Butusuallyitisnt。Weseethreatsoutsideusbecausewerecarryingaroundoldstuffedemotionslikehurt，fearorsadness。Whatevershappeninginthemomenttriggersthoseoldfeelings，andwegointofightmodetotrytostuffthemdownagain。
　　Lossesanddisappointmentscanfeelliketheendoftheworldtoachild，andkidswilldoanythingtofendofftheseintolerablefeelings，sotheycryandrageandlashout。Iftheyfeelsafeexpressingtheiranger，andwemeetthatangerwithcompassion，theirangerwillbegintomelt。
　　Sowhileweacceptourchildsanger，itisnttheangerthatishealing。Itstheexpressionofthetearsandfearsbeneaththeangerthatwashesoutthehurtandsadnessandmakestheangervanish，becauseitsnolongernecessaryasadefense。
　　4。Donttalkexcepttoempathizeandreassureherthatshessafe。Donttrytoteach，reasonorexplain。Whenshesawashinadrenalineandotherfightorflightreactionsisnotthetimetoexplainwhyshecanthavewhatshewants，orgethertoadmitthatsheactuallylovesherlittlesister。Justacknowledgehowupsetsheis：Youaresoupsetaboutthis。。。Imsorryitssohard。
　　5。Setwhateverlimitsarenecessarytokeepeveryonesafe，whileacknowledgingtheangerandstayingcompassionate。Youresomad！Youcanbeasmadasyouwant，buthittingisnotok，nomatterhowupsetyouare。Youcanstomptoshowmehowmadyouare，butIwontletyouhitme。
　　6。Setlimitsonactionsonly，notonfeelings。Themorecompassionateyoucanbe，themorelikelyyourchildwillfindhiswaytothetearsandfearsundertheanger：Oh，Sweetie，Imsorrythisissohard。。。YouresayingIneverunderstandyou。。。thatmustfeelsoterribleandlonely。Youdonthavetoagreeorargue。Justacknowledgehistruthinthemoment。Oncehefeelsheard，histruthwillshift。
　　7。Keepyourselfsafe。Kidsoftenbenefitfrompushingagainstus，soifyoucantolerateitandstaycompassionate，thatsfinetoallow。Butifyourchildishittingyou，moveaway。Ifshepursuesyou，holdherwristandsayIdontthinkIwantthatangryfistsoclosetome。Iseehowangryyouare。YoucanhitthepillowImholding，orpushagainstmyhands，butIwontletyouhurtme。Kidsdontreallywanttohurtusitscaresthemandmakesthemfeelguilty。Mostofthetime，whenwemoveintocompassionandtheyfeelheard，kidsstophittingusandstartcrying。
　　8。Stayascloseasyoucan。Yourchildneedsanacceptingwitnesswholoveshimevenwhenhesangry。Ifyouneedtomoveawaytostaysafe，tellhimIwontletyouhurtme，soImmovingbackabit，butIamrighthere。Wheneveryourereadyforahug，Imrighthere。IfheyellsatyoutoGoaway！sayYouretellingmetogoaway，soIammovingbackastep，ok？Iwontleaveyoualonewiththesescaryfeelings，butIwillmoveback。
　　9。Donttrytoevaluatewhetherhesoverreacting。Ofcoursehesoverreacting！Butrememberthatchildrenexperiencedailyhurtsandfearsthattheycantverbalizeandthatwedontevennotice。Theystorethemupandthenlookforanopportunitytodischargethem。Soifyourkidhasameltdownoverthebluecupandyoureallycantgorightnowtogettheredcupoutofthecar，itsoktojustlovinglywelcomehismeltdown。Mostofthetime，itwasntaboutthebluecup，orwhateverhesdemanding。Whenchildrengetwhinyandimpossibletoplease，theyusuallyjustneedtocry。
　　10。Acknowledgingherangerwillhelphercalmdownabit。Thenhelphergetundertheangerbysofteningyourself。Ifyoucanreallyfeelcompassionforthisstrugglingyoungperson，shellfeelitandrespond。Dontanalyze，justempathize。YImsosorry，Sweetie。Onceyourecognizethefeelingsundertheanger，shewillprobablypauseandstoplashingout。Youllseesomevulnerabilityoreventears。Youcanhelphersurfacethosefeelingsbyfocusingagainrepeatedlyontheoriginaltrigger：Imsosorryyoucanthavetheyouwant，Sweetie。Imsorrythisissohard。Whenourlovingcompassionmeetsherwound，thatswhenshecollapsesintoourarmsforagoodcry。Andallthoseupsetfeelingsevaporate。
　　11。AFTERhescalmeddown，youcantalk。Dontstartbylecturing。Tellastorytohelphimputthisbigwaveofemotionincontext。Thoseweresomebigfeelings。。。everyoneneedstocrysometimes。。。Youwanted。。。。Isaidno。。。Youwereverydisappointed。。。Yougotsoangry。。。。Undertheanger，youweresosadanddisappointed。。。。Thankyouforshowingmehowyoufelt。。。。Ifhejustwantstochangethesubject，lethim。Youcancirclebacktobringclosurelaterinthedayoratbedtime，whileyouresnuggling。ButmostchildrenWANTtohearthestoryofhowtheygotmadandcried，aslongasitsastory，notalecture。Ithelpsthemunderstandthemselves，andmakesthemfeelheard。
　　12。Whataboutteaching？Youdonthavetodoasmuchasyouthink。Yourchildknowswhatshedidwaswrong。Itwasthosebigfeelingsthatmadeherfeellikeitwasanemergency，andnecessarytobreaktherule。Byhelpingherwiththeemotions，youremakingarepeatinfractionlesslikely。
　　Waituntilaftertheemotionalclosure，andthenkeepitsimple。Recognizethatpartofherwantstomakeabetterchoicenexttime，andalignwiththatpart。Besuretogiveherachancetopracticeabettersolutiontoherproblem。Whenwegetreallyangry，likeyouwereangryatyoursister，weforgethowmuchwelovetheotherperson。Theylookliketheyreourenemy。Right？Youweresoverymadather。Weallgetmadlikethatandwhenweareverymad，wefeellikehitting。Butifwedo，laterweresorrythatwehurtsomeone。Wewishwecouldhaveusedourwords。Whatcouldyouhavesaidordone，insteadofhitting？
　　Acceptingemotionslikethisisthebeginningofresilience。Gradually，yourchildwillinternalizetheabilitytoweatherdisappointment，andlearnthatwhilehecantalwaysgetwhathewants，hecanalwaysgetsomethingbettersomeonewholovesandacceptsallofhim，includingtheyuckypartslikerageanddisappointment。Hellhavelearnedthatemotionsarentdangeroustheycanbetoleratedwithoutactingonthem，andtheypass。Gradually，helllearntotoverbalizehisfeelingsevenwhenhesfurious。
　　Youllhavetaughthimhowtomanagehisemotions。Andyoullhavestrengthened，ratherthaneroded，yourbondwithhim。Allbytakingadeepbreathandstayingcompassionateinthefaceofrage。Soundssaintly，Iknow，andyouwontalwaysbeabletopullitoff。Buteverytimeyoudo，youllbemakingasmallmiracle。